The world is awash with putzes (a Yiddish term for dick but somewhat softer and generally meant to denote a buffoon or twit as opposed to dick which is a mite harsher). I happened to encounter one this evening outside of the wonderful Mexican spot on Amsterdam near my apartment. I'm leaning against a parking meter waiting for my to-go order when up rides dude, I'd say 35-40, paunchy and in shorts with a short greasy pony tail. Not the most attractive specimen and, as I was shortly to discover, with a personality to match. He chains his bike up to the lamppost and I notice that he has quick-release levers on both his wheels. Any streetwise NYC cyclist knows that quick release levers are an open invitation to having your wheels (or seat) stolen. Most New York-proofed bikes even have a short section of bike chain looped around the seat and the bike frame to foil any slimeballs that want to help themselves to your seat. So. Chuckles proceeds to lock his bike to the lamppost through the frame leaving both wheels vulnerable to theft. When he'd finished I said, "are you going to leave it like that?". "Like what?" says Genius. "Those wheels are quick release, anyone can help themselves if they want", I reply. "Well, I wasn't thinking about it until you decided to stress me out about it". At this point I'm realizing that I probably would have done him more good by stealing his fucking wheels and driving the lesson home rather than attempting to school this schlub in the ways of holding onto your shit in NYC. The crime rate is down but, Christ, there are still drug dealers on my block and where there's drug dealers (or just about anywhere, come to think of it), there's people looking for shit that ain't nailed down. Anyhoo. "Well, anything that's not secured will be taken" I said.
"Yeah, I grew up here" he says, marching his pudgy ass into the restaurant. "Me too" I said, though it was hard to believe him given his open invitation to thieves. Less than 30 seconds later asswipe emerges, wordlessly removes the front wheel and re-threads the chain through the wheel and the frame. I watched silently, the muscles of my face palpitating violently as I struggled to maintain my composure and not crack wise. Shockingly, he did not thank me for saving him from his own stupidity, which he further underscored by leaving the rear wheel—more valuable because of the freewheel—unsecured. I thought about opening the rear quick release and pulling the wheel halfway out but I figured I'd let a genuine thief teach him an indelible lesson. You sir, are the Putz of the Day. Enjoy your brief reign before my inevitable next encounter with another Putz returns you to the faceless masses of slovenly cretins whose obliviousness and ingratitude cheapens all humanity.
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